Should you stay or go?
How you decide is the most important part.
Maybe you’re thinking of quitting a job, ending a friendship or partnership, or changing your living situation. You may be…
Wondering if you should quit or if it would be better to change something (change your perspective, have a hard conversation, try a different way of working together).
Feel torn and have a hard time landing on what outcome you truly want
Wishing you could just decide, but every time you land somewhere, you worry it’s the wrong decision
These are the decisions define and reflect who we are. When we’re making a decision, we’re asking, “who am I.” We are getting to know ourselves in a new way.
Some decisions come easy. There is a congruence, a clarity. But others require us to weigh our values, to understand ourselves in a new way.
Tough decisions are about our identity.
Identity shifts feel extremely disorienting. They can feel destabilizing and difficult. Becoming a parent for the first time, graduating from college and entering the workforce, changing careers, moving, breaking up — these are the times of life when our world is spinning. We start to question everything because we’re becoming a new person, and we need to understand how the world relates to us now as this new person.
In this way, big changes can lead to more big changes. We may question relationships after getting a new job. We may question our job when we have a new baby. We are in a process of becoming.
There are multiple levels of vulnerability when we think about new decisions
Will I be able to do this thing?
What will I have to give up about how my life is now?
What if I’m successful at this?
What will it mean about how people see me and relate to me?
Sometimes it can be confusing that we don’t want to make a decision should be good for us.
When the question of staying or leaving is difficult, it is not because of the objective facts of the situation (which is where we spend so much time mulling over).
It is because this conflict represents a core belief we hold about ourselves, a belief that is in process of being updated.
When our identity shifts in some way (e.g. a change in job title, going from partnered to single, moving cities), it brings up and challenges or confirms long-held beliefs about ourselves.
We’re not just thinking about moving on from a terrible boss, a part of us is having to let go of the belief that we could be successful anywhere.
We’re not just thinking about breaking up with our partner, a part of us is worried about confirming that we’re not good at commitment.
We’re not just thinking about moving to another city, a part of us is having to let go of a belief that we can’t make friends. (and yes… letting go of a negative belief about ourselves can be really painful and difficult too!)
You may have had the experience of everyone else in your life knowing what you need to do, but you still not being clear.
That’s because you can’t short-cut the process of updating your beliefs about yourself.
It took time and feedback to develop those beliefs and it takes time and intention to unwind them too. The conflict we’re having over the big decision is actually important to our overall growth and we need to go through the process of unwinding. This is why it is so important to give yourself the tools and space to work through everything that comes up.
Ultimately the process for coming to our decision is more important than the decision itself.
When we are in the middle of questions that touch those core beliefs, it is uncomfortable, sometimes to the point of being untenable (so we may even just avoid the topic!)
From the inside, it can be hard to tell whats intuition and what’s anxiety. Our inner critic/inner doubter is loud.
And they really sound like they know what they are talking about and are “more realistic”.
When we are in it, it can be hard to know what to listen to. It helps to have someone support and guide us. Someone who is focused on helping us get to what is true for us. Someone who’s goal is for us to get to know ourselves better in the process of making our decisions.
Your heart already knows the right direction.
The hard part is getting enough space to be able to hear it. So what can you do?
Learn how to access your inner wisdom and knowing. It might sound vague, but that’s only because we haven’t been taught how to do this. There are specific things you can do that will allow you to know what’s right for you without question.
Externalize the conversation. With a friend, with a coach, with anyone who can listen well and doesn’t have an agenda for what you do. Sometimes even as you are describing the situation, the words that have been on loop in your head won’t feel right in your mouth. That’s the start of a shift in those beliefs.
Get to know the parts of you that have an opinion about the situation. This is a bigger topic than fits a bullet but know that you can think of the different inner perspectives you hold as “parts of you”, different characters with different perspectives, wants and needs.
Learn who your inner critic is and practice distancing yourself from them. When that negative message about yourself starts up, don’t keep playing that tape. Find a more generous interpretation, stand up to that voice. This is one of the biggest factors getting in the way of your clarity on the situation.
Tend to the parts you usually can’t listen to without criticism. Make a point to give them space, protect them from criticism and get to know them.
Find strategies that calm your nervous system. Giving yourself space to feel safe is really important to be able to hear your heart.
Learn what it means to listen to your body. This is skill you can build. Your body is fine tuned to guide you to growth and development, the same as a seed is fine tuned to grow into a plant. Deep down we intuitively know to “listen to our gut” or “follow our heart.” But most of us have been trained to override those signals.
Each of these points works in tandem with the others.
Each of these is a skill that can be learned, and we all should have been taught.
But most of us weren’t. That’s where I can help.
If you would like some support in this process, I’d love to help.
Walk-it-Out Session
My low-fee option!
We will talk on the phone while we’re both walking/moving. I’ll be strolling around my neighborhood and you can be anywhere that you can get your heart pumping. Sometimes literally moving is an important ingredient when we’re figuratively stuck. You bring a big question and we will work on it for the entire time. I will be listening deeply, asking questions and inviting you into looking at your situation from new angles. These sessions are intended to leave you energized with a new perspective.
Time: 45 mins
Cost: $35
In-depth Coaching Session
We will meet over zoom, with both of us in a safe, private space, allowing us to go deeper into the process. In these sessions you’ll practice the steps above. In addition to listening deeply and asking questions, I will invite you into more discerning types of introspection. This may feel meditative and grounding or I may invite you to energize your experience through breathing techniques. We will work together to tailor the right experience for you. These practices often will yield insight and clarity and give you a fresh sense of direction.
Time: 60 mins
Cost: $150
Learn more about my background and approach